.

i loved you.
i have ever since i met you.
and i was 5.

remember when we ate lunch together, every single day in 4th grade? i do.
remember when the whole grade hated me, and you didn't? i do.
remember when i lost my family, but you kept me going? i do.
remember when you grandfather died, and i was the first one you called, the only one to help you pull through? i do.
remember when we used to throw stuffed lions into the fan in kelso's room? i do.
remember when we kissed? i do.
remember when we would spend all night talking, and never run out of things to say? i do.
remember when you helped me through every heartbreak? i do.
remember when we used to fight. downright scream at each other? i do.
remember when we were able to make up in .5 seconds? i do.
remember when i would slam the phone down in frustration? i do.
remember when we went in the woods by your house and were eaten by geese and 'quick sand'? i do.
remember when we stopped talking? i do.
remember when i stopped loving you? oh wait, that didn't happen.
and i know it didn't, because i still do. every morning, every night, all day, everyday.
it is what it is.
and i'll always love you. be it brotherly love, motherly love, best friend love, or real love.
and after 10 years, saying 'i love you' is something i mean.
because its true.
love is when you can't go a second without someone.
when your heart breaks even when you have no reason for it to break at all.
so simply put,
i. love. you.
and now, it hurts.
but i'll drift from you. and you've got her. so i can forget you and get over you, and you won't notice me leave. so goodbye.
g'night.
<3

its me again!

sorry friends. i haven't been on in quite some time!
but i wanted to let you know i'm doing much better, with a little help.
i'm beginning to look to a bright future
i'm looking less and less back at the past
and i'm taking everything one small step at a time.
but alas!
my throat is killing me so bad, i want to vomit, so i've going to grab some nyquil and write more to you tomorrow!
good night!
-cait

Hmm...

when things looks up
i can't help but look down down,
to the enticing view
the world around.
i see your face,
your lips and your smile,
i lose my thoughts
somehow, all the while
i wonder how
i got so lucky
to be walking in your light
i wonder how we got so lucky
to have each other at night
so fireside,
come take my hand
off to the stars
to neverland
we'll run away, but we won't get far
these distant lands
never seemed so far
but time is trivial
and so are they
who knock us down
and stand in our way
our lives in one
we'll coexist
as simple as 2 + 2,
lips make a kiss
hold my heart
because i've lost my head
and now i'm looking up
to the skies ahead.
the world's a wonderland.

Fish Fish, Got My Wish!

i DID get a miracle. my lifeguarding class got canceled and spent the night eating sushi and hanging out with my second family! it was good to be home at the sawyers for the first time in a long time. the best therapy truly is raw fish, collages, sunny days, and your best friend. i'm so happy about this all. and to make it better: harry potter marathon all weekend! could this weekend get any better? chances are unlikely :)
i'll have more to write later, but for now it's too sunny to be inside for long. :)
-cait

Dear God,

I need a miracle.
But sending some energy and memory might help too.
Oh and thanks for the weather.
I'll be in touch,
Cait

Good Day Sunshine!

When it's sunny like this, I usually have Beatles music on the brain. I've made it a habit these past few days to come home in the sunshine, grab a harry potter book, and lounge in the tree outside my window for a good hour, just unwinding the events of the day. It's so relaxing, all this good weather. I feel like I've been cooped up under piles of books, assignments, and overdue homework for months, but finally the weather has changed and so have I. My moods have been all over the place, probably thanks to this crazy weather, stress, and major sleep deprivation. But I guess the best part is, is that I'm starting to enjoy myself again. I've got significantly less work, and spring break is just around the corner. So, with a heart full of Hey Jude, a mind full of Yellow Submarine, and just enough Doctor Robert to make it through the day, I'm just going to push like hell through the stress of these last two weeks until I'm on a plane, on my way to Europe. Because when I leave, I'm not looking back.

Unnoticed, Uneasy, Underneath, It All.

some days are better than others. and some days, no matter how hard you try, they just aren't good at all.

I wish I could say I was happy the majority of today. I wish I could write about happiness and smiles. But somehow, just when I take two steps forward, a huge wave comes and I'm swept back too far to get back up. But I've become exceptionally good at standing back up when I've fallen. But what I leave behind when I stand... No one ever sees that. I wish I could lie. Lie to myself, to others, to the world. But I can't. And I don't want to face the fact that lately, my mind seemed to heal. But one instance ripped the wound open again. I can't keep doing this. I can't waste nights being this strung out. Praying to God for an end to the madness. Because that's what my life is: madness.

Behind every comedian, every cheerful person, every congenial being, there's a sad story. I am too insecure to tell mine to the world. Not yet. but behind my happiness, there's this monster just waiting to rear it's ugly head. One little thing, a few words in anger, an encounter with someone, trying to stand my own ground but fearing I won't be able to handle it, sets me back months.

I need desperately to move forward.

Now I know you're probably wondering "wasn't she happy, exceptionally happy yesterday?" Yes, I was. But like all things, my happiness comes and goes. So do my fears. So does the painful reminder of my past. So does every bitter memory I still cling to. It just so happens that today they decided to make a reappearance. I've managed to survive this round of Russian roulette in my own mind, this time, again, but I know there'll be a day where I become my own downfall.

I'm talking morbidly. Calm, with a distinct purpose. To scare myself into forgetting. To protect myself from the hurt. But for once, I'm going to tear myself open and just feel it. Let it happen. Because in the end, I've survived all that I think will bring me down now. It's just mind over matter. Right?

I've got so many reasons to look up. And after writing out some of this insecurity, I'm feeling stronger.

So once again, I will pick up my own pieces, and no one will see my falter behind my smile.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

But to whomever may be reading this and may be insulted that it seems I haven't considered recent events that are joyously happy, just know that I haven't forgotten, and I won't ever forget. You all make my life bearable. Amazing. Breath-taking, a Wonderland. You make it all worthwhile. (p.s. this portion went out to two specific people who hopefully caught on with the key word that is italicized.) So thank you, for being my sunshine. Even when it's raining. ^_^

Until Next Time,

Cait

This Little Light

I've got a smile on my face

As I walk down the street

The raindrops shimmer

And sparkle at my feet.

One hand on my future

And one hand on the clock

I've found a friend in everyone in town

And my smile doesn't stop.

I had become so exceptional

At being all alone

That being one half of 'we'

Is a territory, unknown.

At best I'm always miserable

But no one ever knew

I'm afraid of being vulnerable

Always have been, through and through.

But now I've got a second chance

And someone who believes I can

So this little light I've got

Will shine, brightly, once again.

I Am

I am every mistake I've ever made. I am every tear I've ever cried. I am every heart I've ever broken, and every heart that's broken mine. I am every person I've ever affected. I am every song I've sang in the shower. I am every book I've ever read. I am every song I've ever played in marching band. I am every failure, every victory, every tie I've ever had. I am the little girl I babysit down the street. I am the geometry class I take a nap in everyday. I am the future, the past, and the present. I am the rain drops before a rainbow. I am everybody who has ever left me, and everybody I've ever left. I am every picture I've taken, every song I've written, and every word I've spoken. I am every mistake I've ever made. I am every kiss that took someone else's breath away, and those who took mine. I am every day I spent at Maple Valley. I am every friend I've ever made. I am under the sea, the circle of life, and all the colors of the wind. I am an avid MLIA reader. I am every time I cried at the end of Harry Potter. I am that nerdy girl, the popular one, the shy one, the wild one. I am the your best friend and your worst enemy. I am a lover and a fighter. I am every race I won. I am a collection of everyone who has influenced my life. I am every joke I've ever told, and every time I've gone silent with laugher. I am every fear I've ever had. I am every choice I've ever made. I am every breath, every second, every minute of my life I spend being myself. I am all and none of the above.

I am.

I Am Afraid Of

- the past repeating itself

- commitment

- making mistakes

- fear

- pain

- having panic attacks

- losing myself

- flying insects

- failing a test

- losing control

- being sick

- being betrayed

- being hated

- true love

- dying without being remembered

When people ask me about myself, I never truly know what to say. Usually I describe myself as a weird, awkward, unconventional being who's being average in all aspects of life except when it comes to music and people. I'm good with people. Well, I'm socially awkward, but I can read people. There's a difference. So, I finally get around to admitting the fact that I have a hard time accepting compliments and putting myself down. I guess people have told me I'm confident/arrogant before, so I've become extremely modest to not come off as a prick. It is working? Either way, I'm really satisfied with life right now. I'm able to write bit by bit again, my grades are falling into place, and Germany is within my grasp. It seems that things are working out for me. I have to say, I'm thoroughly enjoying it! A big part of this was forgiveness. By forgiving the people I was uncontrollably and irrationally mad at, I was able to be happier. I advise forgiveness in place of revenge nowadays. Because, I'm happier, they're happier, and I'm not a jerk for stooping to low levels. So, with a fairly clean slate, a full plate of career building, school, looking into religions more, and suddenly acquiring a pretty busy love life, I'm pretty set. I may be exceptionally busy, but I'm fine with juggling for a while. :) I'm just so crazily happy to start to fall into my groove again.

I promise I'll write about something for all of us again, next time.. I just have to give my writing a little more time. It'll come to me.

- Cait

Writer's Block, or Writer's Broke?

I haven't picked up my virtual pen in quite some time.

I type, and erase. And type and erase. And I can't satisfy myself with words. I can't find solace in knowing I've put down my thoughts and feelings with hopes someone may understand what I mean. Not that I doubt you, of course. I just, can't seem to get the words right. I want so badly to just write, let it all out, but I'm having trouble.

It seems I am perpetually tired. Tired as in I need sleep. Tired of working. Tired of stress. Tired of regretting. Tired of worrying. Tired of being fed up. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Why so sleepy? I guess that's life. Tidal waves get thrown at us and we're expected to handle them with or without mistakes before a certain dead line. Ah, this is not where I wanted to go with this. I want to take you somewhere where you can escape a little and have a good laugh. It's just that, I need that too.

Don't you ever wish you could grab someone by the face and just yell HEY YOU! LOOK AT ME. I mean, it'd make my life easier. Just tell people exactly what they need to hear, when they need to hear it. I'd do it. But grabbing people's faces and shouting at them, I've heard is mildly rude, so I guess that's not an option. God. Just look at me for like, six seconds and hear me. Look at me and just KNOW what the frick I'm talking about. Give me a clue, because I don't even know myself. I am just so done with it all. So frustrated. I keep hitting dead ends. Which inconsequently, I made. And I want to get past them, but I can't. I can't write. I can't even compose a string of thoughts that make sense anymore. I'm sorry for the five minutes of your life I wasted. I need to get my life back in order before I lose my ability to write altogether. What's happening to me?

Liar Liar Pants On Fire.

I made it a whole day without lying. Well, a whole two days. It's weird, actually. Anyone could ask me anything, and I can't lie. Everything that comes out of my mouth has been truth. I don't think when people ask me "How are you?" that they expect me to say, "I'm actually tired, have a headache, am worried about my civ grade, and I danced in the caf this morning and I'm pretty sure everyone who viewed it thinks I am mentally unstable. But other than that, I'm alright." in one breath. But by being truthful about everything, I have come to a realization: I hate liars. I mean, everything just gets so complicated. How can you trust people when what they say isn't always true. I especially hate it when people lie because they think it will make people like them. I mean, come on already! I'm that girl that doesn't care whether you work in the library, ride the bus, wear orange on sundays, can't sing a damn, or snort pixie sticks. I give everyone a chance. But ruin that chance by lying, well, peace out girl scout! All you have to do is be truthful. No, you don't have to spill your guts, just don't make stuff up. It's not going to get you anywhere. Ugh. It's a huge pet peeve. Another reason I hate people who lie, is because I am incredibly trusting. I have so much faith in people I first meet. Therefore, I take everything they say to heart. Everything. You could tell me you ride the rodeo and your mom and 6 toes total, and I'd be like "What're you doing Saturday? :)" Honesty is my policy. Take advantage of the fact that you can totally trust what I say for the next 30-some days.

Until next time,

Cait

One Day At A Time

You're thinking about it. You're overanalyzing. Mentally obsessing. Craving it with all your being. Only you can tell me what you had in mind when you read that. Everyone probably had something different. But either way, we can spend days, hours, weeks, years overanalyzing a situation. Rethinking everything and picking it to pieces.

Or, we can leave the pieces as they are, and move on.

And never look back.

Can we? Can't we? Somewhere inside of me, there's a piece that clings to the past. A piece of me that can't stand to leave things as they are - up in the air; badly ended; with someone upset with me. I am a person that by nature wants to fix everything and everyone she meets. So believe when I say that I know moving on is hard. But sometimes, moving all is all we have left, until there is nothing left of us.

Just now, I realize that it's getting harder for me to write. Because by writing, I see truth about myself. Truths I can't come to terms with. One truth about me is that I can never let anything or anyone go. I hold everything so close to my heart that I mentally bash myself when something goes wrong, blaming myself for every bad thing that happens. I become so attached that letting go and moving on are two things I have never been good at. Which also means, I suck at good-byes.

I can't say goodbye to the past because it's such a big part of me that I feel like my world might collapse again if I try to forget it and move on. Actually, scratch that, I am holding on to every negative emotion from my past because I'm still hurt by it. And I can't fix that.

So, this time of year being Lent, Catholics traditionally give something up, or promise to do something. Here is my promise: I will stop lying. For Lent, I have given up lies. Lies to myself, to others, to God. And one more promise that I am making to myself: I am going to start letting go. Of everything that's keeping me from changing, from being a better person. I will try my damnedest to release all inhibations, all restrictions, all limitations.

And a promise to anyone who actually reads this blog: each day, I will do my best to at least write something about this little journey, something I've let go of, or something I've learned. I'm going to let it all out, one day at a time.

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

If I smile a certain way, my eyes say a lot. If I don't smile a certain way, they say a lot more. It's funny how much our eyes can give away about us. They can express joy, pain, anguish, anger, or uncertainty. It takes a seasoned eye watcher to catch the glimmers of emotion that break through the surface of superficial smiles, and empty laughter. Certainly, many of you readers haven't seen these things in someone else's eyes. You may not ever have noticed, too self-absorbed? Or, you may simply not want to look. So you don't. But for those of you who do see these small flickers, then you yourself are probably trying to hide something from the world too. It seems like everybody is. Whether it be something petty, or a deep lingering depression, we hide it away, afraid to be rejected by another person in our life. How do I know about the fear of being rejected as the reason we hide something? Because, if no one ever rejected you, or left you, you wouldn't be afraid to tell people how you were feeling. Hey oh! Oh no she didn't! Yeah, I went there. And you might be thinking "she's completely wrong" Well, maybe you're the one the was doing the rejecting. Because I promise you, there is someone reading this thinking "damn, she's right". In my brown eyes, there used to be a light. A constant smile, a genuine warmth. Then, slowly my world takes a nosedive. Now, I can't look in a mirror with glancing, with a twinge of pain, at my eyes. They're different. They've changed. They smile on command, but they smile someone else's smile. If you look at me long enough, you see the extreme caution. You see the pain, the sadness, the supreme hope that I make it through the day. However, you can only see these things if you really, truly, look. No, don't just grab my face and take a gander. Start a conversation, throw around a sensitive subject. You'll see the change. Or, you can pretend you didn't read this and go on believing that every one is as happy as they seem. In the great words of Gregory House, "People lie. All the time." We do. It's true. So, when you're with your best friend, someone you care about, take a second to look at them. Because their eyes say it all.

Right Time? Psh.

It seems that whenever you fall for someone, it is never the right time. I mean, is there ever a right time? It seems unlikely. With my luck, it's always been that something happens, every single time that just ruins the entire delicate set-up that you've got going with somebody. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be happy single, you really aren't. It's even worse when you're single, and the person of your dreams is head over heels for some other lucky bastard. Well, with Valentine's Day around the corner, this seems a fitting testimonial to all the singles out there, feeling alone. I'm not putting up that "at least we're alone together!" crap, because well, that's just pathetic. However, not gonna lie, this Valentine's Day, I refuse to be depressed about not having anyone. I'm simply going to suck it up, go out with my friends who AREN'T disgustingly happy in a relationship and have some fun. Cosmic bowling? Perhaps some cartoons and breakfast at the Cereal Bowl? Who knows. It isn't the right time for love, but that doesn't mean it isn't the right time for trying to get over it. Deep down, I'll be casually wishing to find "Mr. Right" in some feeble attempts in passing conversation with new people, but even deeper down, I know that I've already found people like that, and it never worked out. So, to all my singles who, even if you won't admit it, will be thinking of that person that "didn't work out", just know I'm right there with you. Let's make plans and maybe, we can all secretly wish together.