One Day At A Time

You're thinking about it. You're overanalyzing. Mentally obsessing. Craving it with all your being. Only you can tell me what you had in mind when you read that. Everyone probably had something different. But either way, we can spend days, hours, weeks, years overanalyzing a situation. Rethinking everything and picking it to pieces.

Or, we can leave the pieces as they are, and move on.

And never look back.

Can we? Can't we? Somewhere inside of me, there's a piece that clings to the past. A piece of me that can't stand to leave things as they are - up in the air; badly ended; with someone upset with me. I am a person that by nature wants to fix everything and everyone she meets. So believe when I say that I know moving on is hard. But sometimes, moving all is all we have left, until there is nothing left of us.

Just now, I realize that it's getting harder for me to write. Because by writing, I see truth about myself. Truths I can't come to terms with. One truth about me is that I can never let anything or anyone go. I hold everything so close to my heart that I mentally bash myself when something goes wrong, blaming myself for every bad thing that happens. I become so attached that letting go and moving on are two things I have never been good at. Which also means, I suck at good-byes.

I can't say goodbye to the past because it's such a big part of me that I feel like my world might collapse again if I try to forget it and move on. Actually, scratch that, I am holding on to every negative emotion from my past because I'm still hurt by it. And I can't fix that.

So, this time of year being Lent, Catholics traditionally give something up, or promise to do something. Here is my promise: I will stop lying. For Lent, I have given up lies. Lies to myself, to others, to God. And one more promise that I am making to myself: I am going to start letting go. Of everything that's keeping me from changing, from being a better person. I will try my damnedest to release all inhibations, all restrictions, all limitations.

And a promise to anyone who actually reads this blog: each day, I will do my best to at least write something about this little journey, something I've let go of, or something I've learned. I'm going to let it all out, one day at a time.