its me again!

sorry friends. i haven't been on in quite some time!
but i wanted to let you know i'm doing much better, with a little help.
i'm beginning to look to a bright future
i'm looking less and less back at the past
and i'm taking everything one small step at a time.
but alas!
my throat is killing me so bad, i want to vomit, so i've going to grab some nyquil and write more to you tomorrow!
good night!
-cait

Hmm...

when things looks up
i can't help but look down down,
to the enticing view
the world around.
i see your face,
your lips and your smile,
i lose my thoughts
somehow, all the while
i wonder how
i got so lucky
to be walking in your light
i wonder how we got so lucky
to have each other at night
so fireside,
come take my hand
off to the stars
to neverland
we'll run away, but we won't get far
these distant lands
never seemed so far
but time is trivial
and so are they
who knock us down
and stand in our way
our lives in one
we'll coexist
as simple as 2 + 2,
lips make a kiss
hold my heart
because i've lost my head
and now i'm looking up
to the skies ahead.
the world's a wonderland.

Fish Fish, Got My Wish!

i DID get a miracle. my lifeguarding class got canceled and spent the night eating sushi and hanging out with my second family! it was good to be home at the sawyers for the first time in a long time. the best therapy truly is raw fish, collages, sunny days, and your best friend. i'm so happy about this all. and to make it better: harry potter marathon all weekend! could this weekend get any better? chances are unlikely :)
i'll have more to write later, but for now it's too sunny to be inside for long. :)
-cait

Dear God,

I need a miracle.
But sending some energy and memory might help too.
Oh and thanks for the weather.
I'll be in touch,
Cait

Good Day Sunshine!

When it's sunny like this, I usually have Beatles music on the brain. I've made it a habit these past few days to come home in the sunshine, grab a harry potter book, and lounge in the tree outside my window for a good hour, just unwinding the events of the day. It's so relaxing, all this good weather. I feel like I've been cooped up under piles of books, assignments, and overdue homework for months, but finally the weather has changed and so have I. My moods have been all over the place, probably thanks to this crazy weather, stress, and major sleep deprivation. But I guess the best part is, is that I'm starting to enjoy myself again. I've got significantly less work, and spring break is just around the corner. So, with a heart full of Hey Jude, a mind full of Yellow Submarine, and just enough Doctor Robert to make it through the day, I'm just going to push like hell through the stress of these last two weeks until I'm on a plane, on my way to Europe. Because when I leave, I'm not looking back.

Unnoticed, Uneasy, Underneath, It All.

some days are better than others. and some days, no matter how hard you try, they just aren't good at all.

I wish I could say I was happy the majority of today. I wish I could write about happiness and smiles. But somehow, just when I take two steps forward, a huge wave comes and I'm swept back too far to get back up. But I've become exceptionally good at standing back up when I've fallen. But what I leave behind when I stand... No one ever sees that. I wish I could lie. Lie to myself, to others, to the world. But I can't. And I don't want to face the fact that lately, my mind seemed to heal. But one instance ripped the wound open again. I can't keep doing this. I can't waste nights being this strung out. Praying to God for an end to the madness. Because that's what my life is: madness.

Behind every comedian, every cheerful person, every congenial being, there's a sad story. I am too insecure to tell mine to the world. Not yet. but behind my happiness, there's this monster just waiting to rear it's ugly head. One little thing, a few words in anger, an encounter with someone, trying to stand my own ground but fearing I won't be able to handle it, sets me back months.

I need desperately to move forward.

Now I know you're probably wondering "wasn't she happy, exceptionally happy yesterday?" Yes, I was. But like all things, my happiness comes and goes. So do my fears. So does the painful reminder of my past. So does every bitter memory I still cling to. It just so happens that today they decided to make a reappearance. I've managed to survive this round of Russian roulette in my own mind, this time, again, but I know there'll be a day where I become my own downfall.

I'm talking morbidly. Calm, with a distinct purpose. To scare myself into forgetting. To protect myself from the hurt. But for once, I'm going to tear myself open and just feel it. Let it happen. Because in the end, I've survived all that I think will bring me down now. It's just mind over matter. Right?

I've got so many reasons to look up. And after writing out some of this insecurity, I'm feeling stronger.

So once again, I will pick up my own pieces, and no one will see my falter behind my smile.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

But to whomever may be reading this and may be insulted that it seems I haven't considered recent events that are joyously happy, just know that I haven't forgotten, and I won't ever forget. You all make my life bearable. Amazing. Breath-taking, a Wonderland. You make it all worthwhile. (p.s. this portion went out to two specific people who hopefully caught on with the key word that is italicized.) So thank you, for being my sunshine. Even when it's raining. ^_^

Until Next Time,

Cait

This Little Light

I've got a smile on my face

As I walk down the street

The raindrops shimmer

And sparkle at my feet.

One hand on my future

And one hand on the clock

I've found a friend in everyone in town

And my smile doesn't stop.

I had become so exceptional

At being all alone

That being one half of 'we'

Is a territory, unknown.

At best I'm always miserable

But no one ever knew

I'm afraid of being vulnerable

Always have been, through and through.

But now I've got a second chance

And someone who believes I can

So this little light I've got

Will shine, brightly, once again.

I Am

I am every mistake I've ever made. I am every tear I've ever cried. I am every heart I've ever broken, and every heart that's broken mine. I am every person I've ever affected. I am every song I've sang in the shower. I am every book I've ever read. I am every song I've ever played in marching band. I am every failure, every victory, every tie I've ever had. I am the little girl I babysit down the street. I am the geometry class I take a nap in everyday. I am the future, the past, and the present. I am the rain drops before a rainbow. I am everybody who has ever left me, and everybody I've ever left. I am every picture I've taken, every song I've written, and every word I've spoken. I am every mistake I've ever made. I am every kiss that took someone else's breath away, and those who took mine. I am every day I spent at Maple Valley. I am every friend I've ever made. I am under the sea, the circle of life, and all the colors of the wind. I am an avid MLIA reader. I am every time I cried at the end of Harry Potter. I am that nerdy girl, the popular one, the shy one, the wild one. I am the your best friend and your worst enemy. I am a lover and a fighter. I am every race I won. I am a collection of everyone who has influenced my life. I am every joke I've ever told, and every time I've gone silent with laugher. I am every fear I've ever had. I am every choice I've ever made. I am every breath, every second, every minute of my life I spend being myself. I am all and none of the above.

I am.

I Am Afraid Of

- the past repeating itself

- commitment

- making mistakes

- fear

- pain

- having panic attacks

- losing myself

- flying insects

- failing a test

- losing control

- being sick

- being betrayed

- being hated

- true love

- dying without being remembered

When people ask me about myself, I never truly know what to say. Usually I describe myself as a weird, awkward, unconventional being who's being average in all aspects of life except when it comes to music and people. I'm good with people. Well, I'm socially awkward, but I can read people. There's a difference. So, I finally get around to admitting the fact that I have a hard time accepting compliments and putting myself down. I guess people have told me I'm confident/arrogant before, so I've become extremely modest to not come off as a prick. It is working? Either way, I'm really satisfied with life right now. I'm able to write bit by bit again, my grades are falling into place, and Germany is within my grasp. It seems that things are working out for me. I have to say, I'm thoroughly enjoying it! A big part of this was forgiveness. By forgiving the people I was uncontrollably and irrationally mad at, I was able to be happier. I advise forgiveness in place of revenge nowadays. Because, I'm happier, they're happier, and I'm not a jerk for stooping to low levels. So, with a fairly clean slate, a full plate of career building, school, looking into religions more, and suddenly acquiring a pretty busy love life, I'm pretty set. I may be exceptionally busy, but I'm fine with juggling for a while. :) I'm just so crazily happy to start to fall into my groove again.

I promise I'll write about something for all of us again, next time.. I just have to give my writing a little more time. It'll come to me.

- Cait

Writer's Block, or Writer's Broke?

I haven't picked up my virtual pen in quite some time.

I type, and erase. And type and erase. And I can't satisfy myself with words. I can't find solace in knowing I've put down my thoughts and feelings with hopes someone may understand what I mean. Not that I doubt you, of course. I just, can't seem to get the words right. I want so badly to just write, let it all out, but I'm having trouble.

It seems I am perpetually tired. Tired as in I need sleep. Tired of working. Tired of stress. Tired of regretting. Tired of worrying. Tired of being fed up. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Why so sleepy? I guess that's life. Tidal waves get thrown at us and we're expected to handle them with or without mistakes before a certain dead line. Ah, this is not where I wanted to go with this. I want to take you somewhere where you can escape a little and have a good laugh. It's just that, I need that too.

Don't you ever wish you could grab someone by the face and just yell HEY YOU! LOOK AT ME. I mean, it'd make my life easier. Just tell people exactly what they need to hear, when they need to hear it. I'd do it. But grabbing people's faces and shouting at them, I've heard is mildly rude, so I guess that's not an option. God. Just look at me for like, six seconds and hear me. Look at me and just KNOW what the frick I'm talking about. Give me a clue, because I don't even know myself. I am just so done with it all. So frustrated. I keep hitting dead ends. Which inconsequently, I made. And I want to get past them, but I can't. I can't write. I can't even compose a string of thoughts that make sense anymore. I'm sorry for the five minutes of your life I wasted. I need to get my life back in order before I lose my ability to write altogether. What's happening to me?