Unnoticed, Uneasy, Underneath, It All.

some days are better than others. and some days, no matter how hard you try, they just aren't good at all.

I wish I could say I was happy the majority of today. I wish I could write about happiness and smiles. But somehow, just when I take two steps forward, a huge wave comes and I'm swept back too far to get back up. But I've become exceptionally good at standing back up when I've fallen. But what I leave behind when I stand... No one ever sees that. I wish I could lie. Lie to myself, to others, to the world. But I can't. And I don't want to face the fact that lately, my mind seemed to heal. But one instance ripped the wound open again. I can't keep doing this. I can't waste nights being this strung out. Praying to God for an end to the madness. Because that's what my life is: madness.

Behind every comedian, every cheerful person, every congenial being, there's a sad story. I am too insecure to tell mine to the world. Not yet. but behind my happiness, there's this monster just waiting to rear it's ugly head. One little thing, a few words in anger, an encounter with someone, trying to stand my own ground but fearing I won't be able to handle it, sets me back months.

I need desperately to move forward.

Now I know you're probably wondering "wasn't she happy, exceptionally happy yesterday?" Yes, I was. But like all things, my happiness comes and goes. So do my fears. So does the painful reminder of my past. So does every bitter memory I still cling to. It just so happens that today they decided to make a reappearance. I've managed to survive this round of Russian roulette in my own mind, this time, again, but I know there'll be a day where I become my own downfall.

I'm talking morbidly. Calm, with a distinct purpose. To scare myself into forgetting. To protect myself from the hurt. But for once, I'm going to tear myself open and just feel it. Let it happen. Because in the end, I've survived all that I think will bring me down now. It's just mind over matter. Right?

I've got so many reasons to look up. And after writing out some of this insecurity, I'm feeling stronger.

So once again, I will pick up my own pieces, and no one will see my falter behind my smile.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

But to whomever may be reading this and may be insulted that it seems I haven't considered recent events that are joyously happy, just know that I haven't forgotten, and I won't ever forget. You all make my life bearable. Amazing. Breath-taking, a Wonderland. You make it all worthwhile. (p.s. this portion went out to two specific people who hopefully caught on with the key word that is italicized.) So thank you, for being my sunshine. Even when it's raining. ^_^

Until Next Time,

Cait