Liar Liar Pants On Fire.

I made it a whole day without lying. Well, a whole two days. It's weird, actually. Anyone could ask me anything, and I can't lie. Everything that comes out of my mouth has been truth. I don't think when people ask me "How are you?" that they expect me to say, "I'm actually tired, have a headache, am worried about my civ grade, and I danced in the caf this morning and I'm pretty sure everyone who viewed it thinks I am mentally unstable. But other than that, I'm alright." in one breath. But by being truthful about everything, I have come to a realization: I hate liars. I mean, everything just gets so complicated. How can you trust people when what they say isn't always true. I especially hate it when people lie because they think it will make people like them. I mean, come on already! I'm that girl that doesn't care whether you work in the library, ride the bus, wear orange on sundays, can't sing a damn, or snort pixie sticks. I give everyone a chance. But ruin that chance by lying, well, peace out girl scout! All you have to do is be truthful. No, you don't have to spill your guts, just don't make stuff up. It's not going to get you anywhere. Ugh. It's a huge pet peeve. Another reason I hate people who lie, is because I am incredibly trusting. I have so much faith in people I first meet. Therefore, I take everything they say to heart. Everything. You could tell me you ride the rodeo and your mom and 6 toes total, and I'd be like "What're you doing Saturday? :)" Honesty is my policy. Take advantage of the fact that you can totally trust what I say for the next 30-some days.

Until next time,

Cait

One Day At A Time

You're thinking about it. You're overanalyzing. Mentally obsessing. Craving it with all your being. Only you can tell me what you had in mind when you read that. Everyone probably had something different. But either way, we can spend days, hours, weeks, years overanalyzing a situation. Rethinking everything and picking it to pieces.

Or, we can leave the pieces as they are, and move on.

And never look back.

Can we? Can't we? Somewhere inside of me, there's a piece that clings to the past. A piece of me that can't stand to leave things as they are - up in the air; badly ended; with someone upset with me. I am a person that by nature wants to fix everything and everyone she meets. So believe when I say that I know moving on is hard. But sometimes, moving all is all we have left, until there is nothing left of us.

Just now, I realize that it's getting harder for me to write. Because by writing, I see truth about myself. Truths I can't come to terms with. One truth about me is that I can never let anything or anyone go. I hold everything so close to my heart that I mentally bash myself when something goes wrong, blaming myself for every bad thing that happens. I become so attached that letting go and moving on are two things I have never been good at. Which also means, I suck at good-byes.

I can't say goodbye to the past because it's such a big part of me that I feel like my world might collapse again if I try to forget it and move on. Actually, scratch that, I am holding on to every negative emotion from my past because I'm still hurt by it. And I can't fix that.

So, this time of year being Lent, Catholics traditionally give something up, or promise to do something. Here is my promise: I will stop lying. For Lent, I have given up lies. Lies to myself, to others, to God. And one more promise that I am making to myself: I am going to start letting go. Of everything that's keeping me from changing, from being a better person. I will try my damnedest to release all inhibations, all restrictions, all limitations.

And a promise to anyone who actually reads this blog: each day, I will do my best to at least write something about this little journey, something I've let go of, or something I've learned. I'm going to let it all out, one day at a time.

Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

If I smile a certain way, my eyes say a lot. If I don't smile a certain way, they say a lot more. It's funny how much our eyes can give away about us. They can express joy, pain, anguish, anger, or uncertainty. It takes a seasoned eye watcher to catch the glimmers of emotion that break through the surface of superficial smiles, and empty laughter. Certainly, many of you readers haven't seen these things in someone else's eyes. You may not ever have noticed, too self-absorbed? Or, you may simply not want to look. So you don't. But for those of you who do see these small flickers, then you yourself are probably trying to hide something from the world too. It seems like everybody is. Whether it be something petty, or a deep lingering depression, we hide it away, afraid to be rejected by another person in our life. How do I know about the fear of being rejected as the reason we hide something? Because, if no one ever rejected you, or left you, you wouldn't be afraid to tell people how you were feeling. Hey oh! Oh no she didn't! Yeah, I went there. And you might be thinking "she's completely wrong" Well, maybe you're the one the was doing the rejecting. Because I promise you, there is someone reading this thinking "damn, she's right". In my brown eyes, there used to be a light. A constant smile, a genuine warmth. Then, slowly my world takes a nosedive. Now, I can't look in a mirror with glancing, with a twinge of pain, at my eyes. They're different. They've changed. They smile on command, but they smile someone else's smile. If you look at me long enough, you see the extreme caution. You see the pain, the sadness, the supreme hope that I make it through the day. However, you can only see these things if you really, truly, look. No, don't just grab my face and take a gander. Start a conversation, throw around a sensitive subject. You'll see the change. Or, you can pretend you didn't read this and go on believing that every one is as happy as they seem. In the great words of Gregory House, "People lie. All the time." We do. It's true. So, when you're with your best friend, someone you care about, take a second to look at them. Because their eyes say it all.

Right Time? Psh.

It seems that whenever you fall for someone, it is never the right time. I mean, is there ever a right time? It seems unlikely. With my luck, it's always been that something happens, every single time that just ruins the entire delicate set-up that you've got going with somebody. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be happy single, you really aren't. It's even worse when you're single, and the person of your dreams is head over heels for some other lucky bastard. Well, with Valentine's Day around the corner, this seems a fitting testimonial to all the singles out there, feeling alone. I'm not putting up that "at least we're alone together!" crap, because well, that's just pathetic. However, not gonna lie, this Valentine's Day, I refuse to be depressed about not having anyone. I'm simply going to suck it up, go out with my friends who AREN'T disgustingly happy in a relationship and have some fun. Cosmic bowling? Perhaps some cartoons and breakfast at the Cereal Bowl? Who knows. It isn't the right time for love, but that doesn't mean it isn't the right time for trying to get over it. Deep down, I'll be casually wishing to find "Mr. Right" in some feeble attempts in passing conversation with new people, but even deeper down, I know that I've already found people like that, and it never worked out. So, to all my singles who, even if you won't admit it, will be thinking of that person that "didn't work out", just know I'm right there with you. Let's make plans and maybe, we can all secretly wish together.