.

i loved you.
i have ever since i met you.
and i was 5.

remember when we ate lunch together, every single day in 4th grade? i do.
remember when the whole grade hated me, and you didn't? i do.
remember when i lost my family, but you kept me going? i do.
remember when you grandfather died, and i was the first one you called, the only one to help you pull through? i do.
remember when we used to throw stuffed lions into the fan in kelso's room? i do.
remember when we kissed? i do.
remember when we would spend all night talking, and never run out of things to say? i do.
remember when you helped me through every heartbreak? i do.
remember when we used to fight. downright scream at each other? i do.
remember when we were able to make up in .5 seconds? i do.
remember when i would slam the phone down in frustration? i do.
remember when we went in the woods by your house and were eaten by geese and 'quick sand'? i do.
remember when we stopped talking? i do.
remember when i stopped loving you? oh wait, that didn't happen.
and i know it didn't, because i still do. every morning, every night, all day, everyday.
it is what it is.
and i'll always love you. be it brotherly love, motherly love, best friend love, or real love.
and after 10 years, saying 'i love you' is something i mean.
because its true.
love is when you can't go a second without someone.
when your heart breaks even when you have no reason for it to break at all.
so simply put,
i. love. you.
and now, it hurts.
but i'll drift from you. and you've got her. so i can forget you and get over you, and you won't notice me leave. so goodbye.
g'night.
<3

its me again!

sorry friends. i haven't been on in quite some time!
but i wanted to let you know i'm doing much better, with a little help.
i'm beginning to look to a bright future
i'm looking less and less back at the past
and i'm taking everything one small step at a time.
but alas!
my throat is killing me so bad, i want to vomit, so i've going to grab some nyquil and write more to you tomorrow!
good night!
-cait

Hmm...

when things looks up
i can't help but look down down,
to the enticing view
the world around.
i see your face,
your lips and your smile,
i lose my thoughts
somehow, all the while
i wonder how
i got so lucky
to be walking in your light
i wonder how we got so lucky
to have each other at night
so fireside,
come take my hand
off to the stars
to neverland
we'll run away, but we won't get far
these distant lands
never seemed so far
but time is trivial
and so are they
who knock us down
and stand in our way
our lives in one
we'll coexist
as simple as 2 + 2,
lips make a kiss
hold my heart
because i've lost my head
and now i'm looking up
to the skies ahead.
the world's a wonderland.

Fish Fish, Got My Wish!

i DID get a miracle. my lifeguarding class got canceled and spent the night eating sushi and hanging out with my second family! it was good to be home at the sawyers for the first time in a long time. the best therapy truly is raw fish, collages, sunny days, and your best friend. i'm so happy about this all. and to make it better: harry potter marathon all weekend! could this weekend get any better? chances are unlikely :)
i'll have more to write later, but for now it's too sunny to be inside for long. :)
-cait

Dear God,

I need a miracle.
But sending some energy and memory might help too.
Oh and thanks for the weather.
I'll be in touch,
Cait

Good Day Sunshine!

When it's sunny like this, I usually have Beatles music on the brain. I've made it a habit these past few days to come home in the sunshine, grab a harry potter book, and lounge in the tree outside my window for a good hour, just unwinding the events of the day. It's so relaxing, all this good weather. I feel like I've been cooped up under piles of books, assignments, and overdue homework for months, but finally the weather has changed and so have I. My moods have been all over the place, probably thanks to this crazy weather, stress, and major sleep deprivation. But I guess the best part is, is that I'm starting to enjoy myself again. I've got significantly less work, and spring break is just around the corner. So, with a heart full of Hey Jude, a mind full of Yellow Submarine, and just enough Doctor Robert to make it through the day, I'm just going to push like hell through the stress of these last two weeks until I'm on a plane, on my way to Europe. Because when I leave, I'm not looking back.

Unnoticed, Uneasy, Underneath, It All.

some days are better than others. and some days, no matter how hard you try, they just aren't good at all.

I wish I could say I was happy the majority of today. I wish I could write about happiness and smiles. But somehow, just when I take two steps forward, a huge wave comes and I'm swept back too far to get back up. But I've become exceptionally good at standing back up when I've fallen. But what I leave behind when I stand... No one ever sees that. I wish I could lie. Lie to myself, to others, to the world. But I can't. And I don't want to face the fact that lately, my mind seemed to heal. But one instance ripped the wound open again. I can't keep doing this. I can't waste nights being this strung out. Praying to God for an end to the madness. Because that's what my life is: madness.

Behind every comedian, every cheerful person, every congenial being, there's a sad story. I am too insecure to tell mine to the world. Not yet. but behind my happiness, there's this monster just waiting to rear it's ugly head. One little thing, a few words in anger, an encounter with someone, trying to stand my own ground but fearing I won't be able to handle it, sets me back months.

I need desperately to move forward.

Now I know you're probably wondering "wasn't she happy, exceptionally happy yesterday?" Yes, I was. But like all things, my happiness comes and goes. So do my fears. So does the painful reminder of my past. So does every bitter memory I still cling to. It just so happens that today they decided to make a reappearance. I've managed to survive this round of Russian roulette in my own mind, this time, again, but I know there'll be a day where I become my own downfall.

I'm talking morbidly. Calm, with a distinct purpose. To scare myself into forgetting. To protect myself from the hurt. But for once, I'm going to tear myself open and just feel it. Let it happen. Because in the end, I've survived all that I think will bring me down now. It's just mind over matter. Right?

I've got so many reasons to look up. And after writing out some of this insecurity, I'm feeling stronger.

So once again, I will pick up my own pieces, and no one will see my falter behind my smile.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

But to whomever may be reading this and may be insulted that it seems I haven't considered recent events that are joyously happy, just know that I haven't forgotten, and I won't ever forget. You all make my life bearable. Amazing. Breath-taking, a Wonderland. You make it all worthwhile. (p.s. this portion went out to two specific people who hopefully caught on with the key word that is italicized.) So thank you, for being my sunshine. Even when it's raining. ^_^

Until Next Time,

Cait